designated feelings

I want to understand in words, phrases, anything, rules, gimmicks, et. cetera, how it comes about that someone like me should hate myself? Where is the proof or reason for it? I know I am self-introspective but it feels like I am in this vast, giant, sea of confusion about myself. Nothing about myself is ever certain, yes, yes, nothing about no one is certain so why bother at all right? Unless... I mean maybe it's about knowing that we're all imperfect and with fault and flaw and oh god ! damn it, i lost it.

but here i pick it up again: how can i see everything have so much beauty and not me? why can't i see myself for who i am? i am selfish, annoying, kinda ditzy, kinda forgetful. I am many bad things. But oh, how I try to be good. I try to be good because I want good things to exist, I want to be good for others and myself and for everyone. 

i think about how the earth is burning and dying and coughing like a person, and it's scary, yes very scary, it's awful. i need to go home before it burns, i am